Betrayed

I received some unexpected news on Tuesday night about something that was going on behind my back. I am still in shock. It does not matter what it is, the situation has been taken care of, but it still hurts a lot.

Maybe after a few more bottles of red and a few more sleepless nights..this feeling will go away but right now, at this moment, it is very very real. I was betrayed.

Betrayed-I looked up the definition and it says : to disclose in violation of confidence. Yep..betrayed that word is perfect. And it is an emotion that I have not felt since the 9th grade when my friend Shari and my friend Krista decided to both get mad at me at the same time. Then, they talked about me to all our other friends.

At the end of my last blog, I wrote that everything in the world is exactly how it should be. And I still believe that. You are where you are supposed to be every second of the day. Life goes exactly how it it supposed too. And sometimes, it is happy and sometimes it is not so happy..and these last few days have been some not so happy days.

I remember a poem that I loved when I was younger and so I will add it to close this blog. It is called After a while:

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth,and you learn and learn...

With every good bye you learn.

Sisters

"A friend is someone who comes in when the whole world has gone out"

Anonymous

Do you remember these charms? You would take and wear one and the other person would wear the other. I had several because I have always had several good friends at once. Sometimes, you would get one from a friend who you liked, but was not your best friend. I remember my friend Liz gave me a shirt that said "Liz's best friend". I must have been about 12. Her's said "Jennifer's best friend" I did not really feel that she was my best friend, but I wore it anyway-I did not want to hurt her feelings. I remember wearing it to school and all my other friends asking me if I was really her best friend. I remember that was right around the time of my first perm..yes, I remember it well now..the perm that turned out like an afro. Yikes I looked horrible, but Liz did not care..she was proud to call me her friend. That is how friends are.

I have friends from all different times in my life. High School, College, New York, California, almost one good friend from each place that I have ever worked..sometimes, like when I left my job at HealthSouth..I have been lucky enough to find many. I have tried so hard to maintain all my friendships. I try to keep in touch with everyone, keep up with what is going on in their lives. My friend Megan has taught me this.. I met Megan when she hired me to work with her when I first move to California. We became instant friends. I found out quickly that Megan has a ton of good friends all across the country and she taught me the importance of nurturing those friendships and so I have tried so hard to do the same with mine.

My friends have seen me through so much, and I them. Divorce, cross country moves, breakups, kids, marriage, job changes..life changes and death. All the things that shape your life..my friends have been there for me through it all.

When I sent out my blog about my breakup with David, my heart overflowed by the responses of my friends. Each telling me that they loved me, each telling me that they were there for me, each one, I know, is truly sorry for me and David..that it did not work out. I know that they want me to be happy, I believe that in my heart. And I want nothing but the same for them all. I am sad for them when they are sad, happy when they are happy, proud of their accomplishments, proud of the women that we have all become.

Our lifestyles and interests vary. We are not the same. Some wanted kids early, some wanted to get married, some wanted houses with white fences..some left to travel, some moved away, some moved back and some did not. Some run marathons, some run the local PTA, some are into scrapbooking, some would never dream of it, some live in lofts downtown, some live in houses in the suburbs, some are republicans, some are democrats, some are liberal and some are conservative..we are all so different but yet, when we get together for just a quick lunch, a wedding, a birthday..somehow we all are just the same, Strong, Fearless, Women of Generation X just trying to figure out our way in the journey of our life. Wanting it all and knowing that if we just stay focused...we will get exactly that, and then some.

I never had a sister and never remember really wanting one. And, from an early age I remember just always having enough girlfriends around to take up that space in my life. So this blog is a tribute to all those women that have passed through my life at one point or another. You are all my girlfriends in life but to me, you are sisters in my heart.