I saw the sign...

Do you remember the movie "LA Story" with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker? Steve Martin was going through a mid life crisis and he kept seeing signs that said everything that he was thinking at the moment. No one else could see them just him. So, this is one of those times for me. When this will not mean as much to you as it does to me.. but I wanted to blog about it anyway. Because I, saw the sign...

I have been in a fog for the last few days..since Thursday actually. I wrote a blog called betrayed back in the summer and I remember writing that thinking-"This will never happen to me again.. Once in a lifetime is enough for me" Well, best laid plans. I found out that the same person who betrayed me back then..did it again..BETRAYAL.. it is the hardest lesson that I have ever learned and this time.. one that I will never forget..or forgive. In the end, the truth always comes out... I mean doesn't it always? There is another party involved besides just this person and myself but she is hardly worth blogging about since she means nothing to me. It is he and I who had the relationship, it is he who after hurting me so much last summer begged, borrowed and stole his way back into my life. It was against EVERYTHING that I stood for to let him back..but let him back I did..because sometimes, a person can only take so much..and this was one of those times for me.

Stay with me...there is a point to this...

My Aunt Helene passed away 5 years ago this past Saturday night and in the Jewish tradition you light a small candle and let it burn until it burns out. I actually was not sure exactly why so I looked it up and the reason is because you should honor the dead and light a candle for the living. So, when my mom brought a candle over Saturday night, of course, we lit it. I was in the middle of hosting a baby shower for 50 people so I did not think that much about it at all until the party was over and the guests were gone, and I found myself standing alone in my house once again, in my own reality. And back to those shitty lingering thoughts that never seem to go away when you need them to. Thoughts that neither Lexapro nor Lunesta seem to silence

So, as they had about 1000 times in the past few nights.. my thoughts woke me up at about 3:30am, and when I opened my eyes.. something was flickering in the kitchen. I went in and realized..that it was just the candle still burning and thought that I would say a few words to my Aunt who I have missed every day for 5 years. It went something like this " I miss you and I wish that I could talk to you. I am so upset over the events of the past few days and I wish that I could get your advice so please.. send me a sign that I am doing the right thing.. Hook up with Grandma up there and the both of you, get me though this.. I love you I miss you...Then, I went back to bed.

So Sunday came and I had a blind date and we decided to go bowling... I was not in the mood to meet anyone new but I committed so just went anyway.. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and feel better. As I did this past summer, I find myself just shaking my head a lot in disbelief that I let this person hurt me AGAIN.. And I know..once shame on you..twice..shame on me. And trust me.. I have punished myself in my mind 100 times..but it just does not seem to go away.. until..

We get to our lane and we start to bowl and the server walks up, says her name and asks us if we want a drink. Then she does something that I have never seen before. She puts down what looks like a business card on the table. I assume that it has her name and maybe how to call her if we wanted another drink.. So I bowl and then walk over to grab my drink and then casually glanced down at the card... and I was frozen ... shocked...oh my God...

and this is the card that I saw...

Remember my Aunts name? Remember what I asked her to do as I stood in the kitchen at 3:30am? Send me a sign. And this is the first time in my lifetime that I have ever met someone else named Helene.. and with a heart?

You decide.

And in that moment-the moment that I saw the card. I knew that I would be fine. I knew that my heart would heal and that I did the right thing to remove these two people from my life. I have never been more sure of any decision that I have ever made. I am positive. And when it comes to decisions, positive is something that we rarely ever are.

Thank you Aunt Helene for listening. I saw your sign.

Mr. Wonderful

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
-anonymous

So there is this guy and I will just refer to him as BB. Some of you know who he is and some of you do not. I certainly do not want to be in a relationship with him..he is too old, too religious and too married for me..but what I do want is to be with someone like him..or at least my perception of him.

He is a guys guy. A guy who walks into a room with confidence and direction. Who not only hugs you instead of shakes your hand, but kisses you on the cheek as he does so. A guy who never met a stranger, has talked to everyone before leaving the party, and floats in and out of conversations without missing a beat. A guy who talks highly of his wife, how they drink wine together in the evenings and talk about their day and still calls her "honey" even after being married so long that they have kids in college. This is a guy who knows the name of everyone at his company including the people in the mail room, a guy who rides his bike 60 miles on a Saturday just to keep in shape and is respected by all in the community.

There is line from Pretty in Pink where Andy and Duckie are driving in a very affluent neighborhood with magnificent homes. Andy says "Those houses are so beautiful..and you know what the worst part is? Those people have no idea how beautiful they are..they will never see them the way that I do". I wonder if BB's wife sees him the way that I do. I bet that she does. I hope that she does.

This past weekend I spent a lot of time on the phone with 3 friends. One is just beginning a relationship and we talked about what the future holds. She is excited and anxious to see what could happen. Could he be the one? Could their religious differences prevail? So far so good.. Another is at a crossroads. Where does she go from here? She loves him but there are issues that he brought in that she cannot spend the rest of her life dealing with. So, not so good. Another is ending her relationship. It has been over for a while, but she has felt like there were three people on their dates these last few weeks..she, her boyfriend and the elephant that has been standing in the room...and she has decided to stop ignoring it. And as the late Randy Pausch said .. "When an elephant walks into the room, introduce it" And so she finally did.. and it set her free and made her decision more clear.

I guess that now that I am single again I will once again go through those stages..and like the poem "after a while" states...with every goodbye you learn.

And I am glad that I have learned my lessons and relationships are easier to walk away from when they are not right because of the mistakes of my past. But mostly I am just glad that my "baggage" now fits easily into the overhead bin, and that I no longer have to pay extra for a bag over 50 pounds :)

I am going to hold out for my BB this time..and I just cannot wait to see who he turns out to be ...

A Woman Should Have.

"A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others have determined not to be done"

Last night when I got home, I worked out on the pole for an hour. Swinging around, practicing my spins... Each new song took me to a new place..some old school songs that took me back and some new songs that I just found out that I loved.

I danced around and swung around and when I looked back over my shoulder from my "frisk" I saw my dog Ginger staring at me. She was just sitting comfortable..paws over the edge of the couch, ears up..just staring.. No judgment, no pretences, no comments, no cares in the world..So, I "S" walked over to her and gave her a little pat on the head.. and then looked back as I flaunted across the floor. And Ginger just sat there..staring.

She could care less if there is more cottage cheese on my theighs than in the fridge:), or if my makeup is smeared from sweat, or if my shorts are too shorts or my top is too tight, or my hair is a mess.. Nope, not Ginger Bella, she just loves me unconditionally as I love her.

And when I was done, I asked her "How did I look", She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said " Like a million dollars "!! Gotta love a dog!

It started me thinking about being in my house, living alone, living life as a single thirty something in Houston with no boyfriend possibilites at the moment and a recent breakup behind me. I started thinking about a poem that I had read 10 years ago. So, I found it.. It is from my favorite poet Maya Angelou.. and while I do not have all these things yet, I am working on it! And, when I look back to the woman that I was 10 years ago and the woman that I am now...I am happy to report that I have added even more of these "should haves" to my list. I am definitly a work in progress, But I like it that way. I love to learn and try new things and always have.

My mom tells me that I have no fear, that I just close my eyes and jump. The funny thing is that I do have fear and lots of it but my secret (never let them see you sweat). I have been fired, I have been promoted, I have been the richest one on the room, and the poorest one in the room, I have seen things that would make a grown man cry and I have experienced pure love and pure bliss. I have moved to another state alone, and not had a single plan for the weekend, I have moved back with my tail between my legs and survived to laugh about it. I have been divorced. I have been broken up with and I have been the one that does the breaking up. I have been talked about and laughed at. I have been complimented and criticized...I have, like most people been though a lot. But, I never fall down. Somehow, I manage to always fall up.

And when I look around everyday at work and see those who are suffering with cancer, those women my age and younger who come in without hair or in wheelchairs.. I thank God for what I have.. and pray for them. But mostly, I just feel blessed.

"A Woman Should Have"

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a youth she’s content to leave behind….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to re-telling it in her old age….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…that she can’t change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...whom she can trust,whom she can’t,and why she shouldn’t take it personally…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…where to go…be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…or a charming inn in the woods…when her soul needs soothing…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month…and a year…

Got Pole?

Well behaved women rarely make history-
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


In the wake of these past few weeks of feeling "hoodwinked" (my new favorite word), the one thing that I always had to look forward too (aside from of course, the unconditional love of my 3 dogs and one lazy 17 pound cat) was my S classes.

Most of you know, some of you don't that I have been taken Sheila Kelly's S factor..pole dancing classes on Wednesday nights. I know..WHAT? But trust me...I am always searching for something new to do and after 4 sweaty, hard core training months leading up to the tri..thought that I needed to get back to my feminine side, so thought that I was going for a 180 degree turn...something a little easier and less "hard core" trust me...I was only half right..read on.

Sheila Kelly is the wife of actor Richard Shiff of the West Wing. She is also an actress and while studying for a role in a movie..came across this "movement" as she calls it. So, she started teaching friends and then created studios in a few cities across the country and so on and so on. And thus, the S Factor was born. 8 levels (if you choose to continue taking classes) 2 hours per week. I signed up after my intro class because I...fell in love! So much so that that last weekend I installed a pole in my living room and am still wondering what my new neighbors across the street are thinking. The pole is an awesome daily reminder that I am a strong, independant woman who can still be just as sexy and sensual at 37 as I was at 17 :)

Each week in class, we spend 1 hour doing floor work which includes too many abs for my taste but then tons of fun stuff like the cat crawl, hip thrusts and the goddess..and this past week...the t shirt stip. That is right, I can now take off my shirt...while thrusting my hips all without missing a beat..and let me tell you..it's hot..and when I look around the dimly lit room at the other girls of all shapes and sizes..they are Hot! These classes are amazing and ultra liberating.

After the floor work, we move into 30 minutes of pole practice. We have learned the firefly, the ballerina and the half pint so far..and I have surprised myself at how easy the tricks come. And then after the pole, we move into 30 minutes of our routine. The routine consists of all 12 of us doing the same thing..some on the wall and some on the pole..and at the moment when we all, at the same time, slide down the wall or pole, If only for a moment, I am SURE that I am pussycat doll on stage in Vegas.

I cannot imagine my Grandma's generation even considering something so out of the norm..I cannot imagine her telling her friends that she was taking pole classes...but I bet if she could have ..she would have!

We have come so far. Women are getting married later (if at all), having kids later and staying out later. The days spending all our time being a housewife and having dinner on the table at 5 is not longer the norm. We spend our time shouting from the rooftops demanding to be heard, breaking through the glass ceilings that stopped so many before us and being supportive rather than critical of eachother. Complimenting and congratulating rather than hating and hurting eachother. We know the difference between wrong and right and walk the line carefully yet with our head up high because we would rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

And, for the first time since the beginning of time, we came closer than we have ever been to having a woman run our country. And whether you liked her or not, that is an amazing thing that almost happened. We are important, we are equals! And we have learned that it is okay to be proud of ourselves, to KNOW that we are pretty, or sexy and we have learned to take a compliment by smiling rather than blushing. We are enough just as we are. Plain and simple. We are enough!

Thank you Rosa Parks for staying seated.

So Pole Dancing? YOU BET!

Happy Birthday Mom

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.- Tenneva Jordan

Today is my mom's birthday. She is 64. She is the youngest, most inspiring, most beautiful, most unbelievably strong woman that I have ever met. I pray to God daily that I turn out like her. I pray to God daily that I inherit at least a few traits that she inherited from her strong amazing mom. I pray to God that he keeps her safe and healthy for years and years to come. Because I cannot imagine being on this earth without her in my corner. It is unthinkable..So, I will continue to pray daily and hope that God is listening...

A letter to my mother
You gave me wings, you let me fly. And taught me that I will never have to fly alone. That all my journeys whether they are ones that you would take or not, that I had your blessing to take flight. And, I would like to think that I succeeded at them all but I know that I did not, but I had your blessing to try..and that made the crash landings so much softer. And I had some crashes...but at the bottom on the ground after I called to tell you that I was "flying" home...there you were..waving your arms in the air " this way..this way..I'm down here..I will catch you".. and you always did. Every time..and you still do.

Thank you for every single lesson you have taught me. Thank you for letting me fail and for never saying I told you so and If you wanted to say it..I never knew. Thank you for your advice, your support, your compassion. Thank you for waking up when I call at 3am upset over whatever..thank you for wanting to have me around. Thank you for always telling me you love me when we hang up the phone, and for always telling me your love me in your emails.

Thank you for listening time after time after time. Thank you for letting me take out my frustrations on you and then so freely accepting my appology when I have. Thank you for not taking it personally. Thank you for always having my back. For always being on my side..and for "carefully" telling me if you thought that I was wrong. Thank you for giving me the strength to love and the guts to walk aways when it is time to go.

Thank you for giving me my self esteem, my ability to laugh at myself, my work ethic, my love of animals, my love of people.

Thank you for being my best friend in this world. And for showing me daily the definition or what a real women is.

Thank you for being my mother and my father.

Happy birthday to the greatest friend I have ever had, my best friend..my mother.

Betrayed

I received some unexpected news on Tuesday night about something that was going on behind my back. I am still in shock. It does not matter what it is, the situation has been taken care of, but it still hurts a lot.

Maybe after a few more bottles of red and a few more sleepless nights..this feeling will go away but right now, at this moment, it is very very real. I was betrayed.

Betrayed-I looked up the definition and it says : to disclose in violation of confidence. Yep..betrayed that word is perfect. And it is an emotion that I have not felt since the 9th grade when my friend Shari and my friend Krista decided to both get mad at me at the same time. Then, they talked about me to all our other friends.

At the end of my last blog, I wrote that everything in the world is exactly how it should be. And I still believe that. You are where you are supposed to be every second of the day. Life goes exactly how it it supposed too. And sometimes, it is happy and sometimes it is not so happy..and these last few days have been some not so happy days.

I remember a poem that I loved when I was younger and so I will add it to close this blog. It is called After a while:

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth,and you learn and learn...

With every good bye you learn.