Do you remember the movie "LA Story" with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker? Steve Martin was going through a mid life crisis and he kept seeing signs that said everything that he was thinking at the moment. No one else could see them just him. So, this is one of those times for me. When this will not mean as much to you as it does to me.. but I wanted to blog about it anyway. Because I, saw the sign...I have been in a fog for the last few days..since Thursday actually. I wrote a blog called betrayed back in the summer and I remember writing that thinking-"This will never happen to me again.. Once in a lifetime is enough for me" Well, best laid plans. I found out that the same person who betrayed me back then..did it again..BETRAYAL.. it is the hardest lesson that I have ever learned and this time.. one that I will never forget..or forgive. In the end, the truth always comes out... I mean doesn't it always? There is another party involved besides just this person and myself but she is hardly worth blogging about since she means nothing to me. It is he and I who had the relationship, it is he who after hurting me so much last summer begged, borrowed and stole his way back into my life. It was against EVERYTHING that I stood for to let him back..but let him back I did..because sometimes, a person can only take so much..and this was one of those times for me.
Stay with me...there is a point to this...
My Aunt Helene passed away 5 years ago this past Saturday night and in the Jewish tradition you light a small candle and let it burn until it burns out. I actually was not sure exactly why so I looked it up and the reason is because you should honor the dead and light a candle for the living. So, when my mom brought a candle over Saturday night, of course, we lit it. I was in the middle of hosting a baby shower for 50 people so I did not think that much about it at all until the party was over and the guests were gone, and I found myself standing alone in my house once again, in my own reality. And back to those shitty lingering thoughts that never seem to go away when you need them to. Thoughts that neither Lexapro nor Lunesta seem to silence
So, as they had about 1000 times in the past few nights.. my thoughts woke me up at about 3:30am, and when I opened my eyes.. something was flickering in the kitchen. I went in and realized..that it was just the candle still burning and thought that I would say a few words to my Aunt who I have missed every day for 5 years. It went something like this " I miss you and I wish that I could talk to you. I am so upset over the events of the past few days and I wish that I could get your advice so please.. send me a sign that I am doing the right thing.. Hook up with Grandma up there and the both of you, get me though this.. I love you I miss you...Then, I went back to bed.
So Sunday came and I had a blind date and we decided to go bowling... I was not in the mood to meet anyone new but I committed so just went anyway.. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and feel better. As I did this past summer, I find myself just shaking my head a lot in disbelief that I let this person hurt me AGAIN.. And I know..once shame on you..twice..shame on me. And trust me.. I have punished myself in my mind 100 times..but it just does not seem to go away.. until..
We get to our lane and we start to bowl and the server walks up, says her name and asks us if we want a drink. Then she does something that I have never seen before. She puts down what looks like a business card on the table. I assume that it has her name and maybe how to call her if we wanted another drink.. So I bowl and then walk over to grab my drink and then casually glanced down at the card... and I was frozen ... shocked...oh my God...
and this is the card that I saw...
Remember my Aunts name? Remember what I asked her to do as I stood in the kitchen at 3:30am? Send me a sign. And this is the first time in my lifetime that I have ever met someone else named Helene.. and with a heart?
You decide.
And in that moment-the moment that I saw the card. I knew that I would be fine. I knew that my heart would heal and that I did the right thing to remove these two people from my life. I have never been more sure of any decision that I have ever made. I am positive. And when it comes to decisions, positive is something that we rarely ever are.
Thank you Aunt Helene for listening. I saw your sign.
