Thirty Something & Single in The City

I saw the sign...

2009-02-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the movie "LA Story" with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker? Steve Martin was going through a mid life crisis and he kept seeing signs that said everything that he was thinking at the moment. No one else could see them just him. So, this is one of those times for me. When this will not mean as much to you as it does to me.. but I wanted to blog about it anyway. Because I, saw the sign...

I have been in a fog for the last few days..since Thursday actually. I wrote a blog called betrayed back in the summer and I remember writing that thinking-"This will never happen to me again.. Once in a lifetime is enough for me" Well, best laid plans. I found out that the same person who betrayed me back then..did it again..BETRAYAL.. it is the hardest lesson that I have ever learned and this time.. one that I will never forget..or forgive. In the end, the truth always comes out... I mean doesn't it always? There is another party involved besides just this person and myself but she is hardly worth blogging about since she means nothing to me. It is he and I who had the relationship, it is he who after hurting me so much last summer begged, borrowed and stole his way back into my life. It was against EVERYTHING that I stood for to let him back..but let him back I did..because sometimes, a person can only take so much..and this was one of those times for me.

Stay with me...there is a point to this...

My Aunt Helene passed away 5 years ago this past Saturday night and in the Jewish tradition you light a small candle and let it burn until it burns out. I actually was not sure exactly why so I looked it up and the reason is because you should honor the dead and light a candle for the living. So, when my mom brought a candle over Saturday night, of course, we lit it. I was in the middle of hosting a baby shower for 50 people so I did not think that much about it at all until the party was over and the guests were gone, and I found myself standing alone in my house once again, in my own reality. And back to those shitty lingering thoughts that never seem to go away when you need them to. Thoughts that neither Lexapro nor Lunesta seem to silence

So, as they had about 1000 times in the past few nights.. my thoughts woke me up at about 3:30am, and when I opened my eyes.. something was flickering in the kitchen. I went in and realized..that it was just the candle still burning and thought that I would say a few words to my Aunt who I have missed every day for 5 years. It went something like this " I miss you and I wish that I could talk to you. I am so upset over the events of the past few days and I wish that I could get your advice so please.. send me a sign that I am doing the right thing.. Hook up with Grandma up there and the both of you, get me though this.. I love you I miss you...Then, I went back to bed.

So Sunday came and I had a blind date and we decided to go bowling... I was not in the mood to meet anyone new but I committed so just went anyway.. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and feel better. As I did this past summer, I find myself just shaking my head a lot in disbelief that I let this person hurt me AGAIN.. And I know..once shame on you..twice..shame on me. And trust me.. I have punished myself in my mind 100 times..but it just does not seem to go away.. until..

We get to our lane and we start to bowl and the server walks up, says her name and asks us if we want a drink. Then she does something that I have never seen before. She puts down what looks like a business card on the table. I assume that it has her name and maybe how to call her if we wanted another drink.. So I bowl and then walk over to grab my drink and then casually glanced down at the card... and I was frozen ... shocked...oh my God...

and this is the card that I saw...

Remember my Aunts name? Remember what I asked her to do as I stood in the kitchen at 3:30am? Send me a sign. And this is the first time in my lifetime that I have ever met someone else named Helene.. and with a heart?

You decide.

And in that moment-the moment that I saw the card. I knew that I would be fine. I knew that my heart would heal and that I did the right thing to remove these two people from my life. I have never been more sure of any decision that I have ever made. I am positive. And when it comes to decisions, positive is something that we rarely ever are.

Thank you Aunt Helene for listening. I saw your sign.

Mr. Wonderful

2008-08-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
-anonymous

So there is this guy and I will just refer to him as BB. Some of you know who he is and some of you do not. I certainly do not want to be in a relationship with him..he is too old, too religious and too married for me..but what I do want is to be with someone like him..or at least my perception of him.

He is a guys guy. A guy who walks into a room with confidence and direction. Who not only hugs you instead of shakes your hand, but kisses you on the cheek as he does so. A guy who never met a stranger, has talked to everyone before leaving the party, and floats in and out of conversations without missing a beat. A guy who talks highly of his wife, how they drink wine together in the evenings and talk about their day and still calls her "honey" even after being married so long that they have kids in college. This is a guy who knows the name of everyone at his company including the people in the mail room, a guy who rides his bike 60 miles on a Saturday just to keep in shape and is respected by all in the community.

There is line from Pretty in Pink where Andy and Duckie are driving in a very affluent neighborhood with magnificent homes. Andy says "Those houses are so beautiful..and you know what the worst part is? Those people have no idea how beautiful they are..they will never see them the way that I do". I wonder if BB's wife sees him the way that I do. I bet that she does. I hope that she does.

This past weekend I spent a lot of time on the phone with 3 friends. One is just beginning a relationship and we talked about what the future holds. She is excited and anxious to see what could happen. Could he be the one? Could their religious differences prevail? So far so good.. Another is at a crossroads. Where does she go from here? She loves him but there are issues that he brought in that she cannot spend the rest of her life dealing with. So, not so good. Another is ending her relationship. It has been over for a while, but she has felt like there were three people on their dates these last few weeks..she, her boyfriend and the elephant that has been standing in the room...and she has decided to stop ignoring it. And as the late Randy Pausch said .. "When an elephant walks into the room, introduce it" And so she finally did.. and it set her free and made her decision more clear.

I guess that now that I am single again I will once again go through those stages..and like the poem "after a while" states...with every goodbye you learn.

And I am glad that I have learned my lessons and relationships are easier to walk away from when they are not right because of the mistakes of my past. But mostly I am just glad that my "baggage" now fits easily into the overhead bin, and that I no longer have to pay extra for a bag over 50 pounds :)

I am going to hold out for my BB this time..and I just cannot wait to see who he turns out to be ...

A Woman Should Have.

2008-08-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

"A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others have determined not to be done"

Last night when I got home, I worked out on the pole for an hour. Swinging around, practicing my spins... Each new song took me to a new place..some old school songs that took me back and some new songs that I just found out that I loved.

I danced around and swung around and when I looked back over my shoulder from my "frisk" I saw my dog Ginger staring at me. She was just sitting comfortable..paws over the edge of the couch, ears up..just staring.. No judgment, no pretences, no comments, no cares in the world..So, I "S" walked over to her and gave her a little pat on the head.. and then looked back as I flaunted across the floor. And Ginger just sat there..staring.

She could care less if there is more cottage cheese on my theighs than in the fridge:), or if my makeup is smeared from sweat, or if my shorts are too shorts or my top is too tight, or my hair is a mess.. Nope, not Ginger Bella, she just loves me unconditionally as I love her.

And when I was done, I asked her "How did I look", She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said " Like a million dollars "!! Gotta love a dog!

It started me thinking about being in my house, living alone, living life as a single thirty something in Houston with no boyfriend possibilites at the moment and a recent breakup behind me. I started thinking about a poem that I had read 10 years ago. So, I found it.. It is from my favorite poet Maya Angelou.. and while I do not have all these things yet, I am working on it! And, when I look back to the woman that I was 10 years ago and the woman that I am now...I am happy to report that I have added even more of these "should haves" to my list. I am definitly a work in progress, But I like it that way. I love to learn and try new things and always have.

My mom tells me that I have no fear, that I just close my eyes and jump. The funny thing is that I do have fear and lots of it but my secret (never let them see you sweat). I have been fired, I have been promoted, I have been the richest one on the room, and the poorest one in the room, I have seen things that would make a grown man cry and I have experienced pure love and pure bliss. I have moved to another state alone, and not had a single plan for the weekend, I have moved back with my tail between my legs and survived to laugh about it. I have been divorced. I have been broken up with and I have been the one that does the breaking up. I have been talked about and laughed at. I have been complimented and criticized...I have, like most people been though a lot. But, I never fall down. Somehow, I manage to always fall up.

And when I look around everyday at work and see those who are suffering with cancer, those women my age and younger who come in without hair or in wheelchairs.. I thank God for what I have.. and pray for them. But mostly, I just feel blessed.

"A Woman Should Have"

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...a youth she’s content to leave behind….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to re-telling it in her old age….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…that she can’t change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...whom she can trust,whom she can’t,and why she shouldn’t take it personally…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…where to go…be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…or a charming inn in the woods…when her soul needs soothing…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month…and a year…

Got Pole?

2008-08-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well behaved women rarely make history-
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

In the wake of these past few weeks of feeling "hoodwinked" (my new favorite word), the one thing that I always had to look forward too (aside from of course, the unconditional love of my 3 dogs and one lazy 17 pound cat) was my S classes.

Most of you know, some of you don't that I have been taken Sheila Kelly's S factor..pole dancing classes on Wednesday nights. I know..WHAT? But trust me...I am always searching for something new to do and after 4 sweaty, hard core training months leading up to the tri..thought that I needed to get back to my feminine side, so thought that I was going for a 180 degree turn...something a little easier and less "hard core" trust me...I was only half right..read on.

Sheila Kelly is the wife of actor Richard Shiff of the West Wing. She is also an actress and while studying for a role in a movie..came across this "movement" as she calls it. So, she started teaching friends and then created studios in a few cities across the country and so on and so on. And thus, the S Factor was born. 8 levels (if you choose to continue taking classes) 2 hours per week. I signed up after my intro class because I...fell in love! So much so that that last weekend I installed a pole in my living room and am still wondering what my new neighbors across the street are thinking. The pole is an awesome daily reminder that I am a strong, independant woman who can still be just as sexy and sensual at 37 as I was at 17 :)

Each week in class, we spend 1 hour doing floor work which includes too many abs for my taste but then tons of fun stuff like the cat crawl, hip thrusts and the goddess..and this past week...the t shirt stip. That is right, I can now take off my shirt...while thrusting my hips all without missing a beat..and let me tell you..it's hot..and when I look around the dimly lit room at the other girls of all shapes and sizes..they are Hot! These classes are amazing and ultra liberating.

After the floor work, we move into 30 minutes of pole practice. We have learned the firefly, the ballerina and the half pint so far..and I have surprised myself at how easy the tricks come. And then after the pole, we move into 30 minutes of our routine. The routine consists of all 12 of us doing the same thing..some on the wall and some on the pole..and at the moment when we all, at the same time, slide down the wall or pole, If only for a moment, I am SURE that I am pussycat doll on stage in Vegas.

I cannot imagine my Grandma's generation even considering something so out of the norm..I cannot imagine her telling her friends that she was taking pole classes...but I bet if she could have ..she would have!

We have come so far. Women are getting married later (if at all), having kids later and staying out later. The days spending all our time being a housewife and having dinner on the table at 5 is not longer the norm. We spend our time shouting from the rooftops demanding to be heard, breaking through the glass ceilings that stopped so many before us and being supportive rather than critical of eachother. Complimenting and congratulating rather than hating and hurting eachother. We know the difference between wrong and right and walk the line carefully yet with our head up high because we would rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

And, for the first time since the beginning of time, we came closer than we have ever been to having a woman run our country. And whether you liked her or not, that is an amazing thing that almost happened. We are important, we are equals! And we have learned that it is okay to be proud of ourselves, to KNOW that we are pretty, or sexy and we have learned to take a compliment by smiling rather than blushing. We are enough just as we are. Plain and simple. We are enough!

Thank you Rosa Parks for staying seated.

So Pole Dancing? YOU BET!

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-08-04T13:29:00.003-07:00

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.- Tenneva Jordan

Today is my mom's birthday. She is 64. She is the youngest, most inspiring, most beautiful, most unbelievably strong woman that I have ever met. I pray to God daily that I turn out like her. I pray to God daily that I inherit at least a few traits that she inherited from her strong amazing mom. I pray to God that he keeps her safe and healthy for years and years to come. Because I cannot imagine being on this earth without her in my corner. It is unthinkable..So, I will continue to pray daily and hope that God is listening...

A letter to my mother
You gave me wings, you let me fly. And taught me that I will never have to fly alone. That all my journeys whether they are ones that you would take or not, that I had your blessing to take flight. And, I would like to think that I succeeded at them all but I know that I did not, but I had your blessing to try..and that made the crash landings so much softer. And I had some crashes...but at the bottom on the ground after I called to tell you that I was "flying" home...there you were..waving your arms in the air " this way..this way..I'm down here..I will catch you".. and you always did. Every time..and you still do.

Thank you for every single lesson you have taught me. Thank you for letting me fail and for never saying I told you so and If you wanted to say it..I never knew. Thank you for your advice, your support, your compassion. Thank you for waking up when I call at 3am upset over whatever..thank you for wanting to have me around. Thank you for always telling me you love me when we hang up the phone, and for always telling me your love me in your emails.

Thank you for listening time after time after time. Thank you for letting me take out my frustrations on you and then so freely accepting my appology when I have. Thank you for not taking it personally. Thank you for always having my back. For always being on my side..and for "carefully" telling me if you thought that I was wrong. Thank you for giving me the strength to love and the guts to walk aways when it is time to go.

Thank you for giving me my self esteem, my ability to laugh at myself, my work ethic, my love of animals, my love of people.

Thank you for being my best friend in this world. And for showing me daily the definition or what a real women is.

Thank you for being my mother and my father.

Happy birthday to the greatest friend I have ever had, my best friend..my mother.

2008-08-04T13:29:00.001-07:00

Betrayed

2008-07-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

I received some unexpected news on Tuesday night about something that was going on behind my back. I am still in shock. It does not matter what it is, the situation has been taken care of, but it still hurts a lot.

Maybe after a few more bottles of red and a few more sleepless nights..this feeling will go away but right now, at this moment, it is very very real. I was betrayed.

Betrayed-I looked up the definition and it says : to disclose in violation of confidence. Yep..betrayed that word is perfect. And it is an emotion that I have not felt since the 9th grade when my friend Shari and my friend Krista decided to both get mad at me at the same time. Then, they talked about me to all our other friends.

At the end of my last blog, I wrote that everything in the world is exactly how it should be. And I still believe that. You are where you are supposed to be every second of the day. Life goes exactly how it it supposed too. And sometimes, it is happy and sometimes it is not so happy..and these last few days have been some not so happy days.

I remember a poem that I loved when I was younger and so I will add it to close this blog. It is called After a while:

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth,and you learn and learn...

With every good bye you learn.

Sisters

2008-07-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

"A friend is someone who comes in when the whole world has gone out"

Anonymous

Do you remember these charms? You would take and wear one and the other person would wear the other. I had several because I have always had several good friends at once. Sometimes, you would get one from a friend who you liked, but was not your best friend. I remember my friend Liz gave me a shirt that said "Liz's best friend". I must have been about 12. Her's said "Jennifer's best friend" I did not really feel that she was my best friend, but I wore it anyway-I did not want to hurt her feelings. I remember wearing it to school and all my other friends asking me if I was really her best friend. I remember that was right around the time of my first perm..yes, I remember it well now..the perm that turned out like an afro. Yikes I looked horrible, but Liz did not care..she was proud to call me her friend. That is how friends are.

I have friends from all different times in my life. High School, College, New York, California, almost one good friend from each place that I have ever worked..sometimes, like when I left my job at HealthSouth..I have been lucky enough to find many. I have tried so hard to maintain all my friendships. I try to keep in touch with everyone, keep up with what is going on in their lives. My friend Megan has taught me this.. I met Megan when she hired me to work with her when I first move to California. We became instant friends. I found out quickly that Megan has a ton of good friends all across the country and she taught me the importance of nurturing those friendships and so I have tried so hard to do the same with mine.

My friends have seen me through so much, and I them. Divorce, cross country moves, breakups, kids, marriage, job changes..life changes and death. All the things that shape your life..my friends have been there for me through it all.

When I sent out my blog about my breakup with David, my heart overflowed by the responses of my friends. Each telling me that they loved me, each telling me that they were there for me, each one, I know, is truly sorry for me and David..that it did not work out. I know that they want me to be happy, I believe that in my heart. And I want nothing but the same for them all. I am sad for them when they are sad, happy when they are happy, proud of their accomplishments, proud of the women that we have all become.

Our lifestyles and interests vary. We are not the same. Some wanted kids early, some wanted to get married, some wanted houses with white fences..some left to travel, some moved away, some moved back and some did not. Some run marathons, some run the local PTA, some are into scrapbooking, some would never dream of it, some live in lofts downtown, some live in houses in the suburbs, some are republicans, some are democrats, some are liberal and some are conservative..we are all so different but yet, when we get together for just a quick lunch, a wedding, a birthday..somehow we all are just the same, Strong, Fearless, Women of Generation X just trying to figure out our way in the journey of our life. Wanting it all and knowing that if we just stay focused...we will get exactly that, and then some.

I never had a sister and never remember really wanting one. And, from an early age I remember just always having enough girlfriends around to take up that space in my life. So this blog is a tribute to all those women that have passed through my life at one point or another. You are all my girlfriends in life but to me, you are sisters in my heart.

Want my Autograph?

2008-06-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Do not look at small advantages, shoot high and achieve greatness"..unknown

So by now you know the story of how I talked my 2 good friends Missy&Michelle into doing a full blown Olympic Distance Triathlon with me. 4 months of training later, $7,500 raised between us, 2 full Saturdays doing garage sales and more..the day had come..

(That is me at 5:00am (bottom left) wondering why the hell I decided to do this! :)

"All Yellow Caps Women ages 35-39 please line up...Missy was shaking, I was panicking... Michelle was in the zone.. I held Missy's hand and told her that we could do this. 3,2,1 Jump..we were in the water..doggy paddling over to the start line..warm up I thought..get warm...3,2,1 WHISTLE..here we go...

Flash forward to this past Monday..I went to the doctor and she asked me a personal question (bet you can figure it out) which lead me to have to think back to 28 days ago.. I realized that it has been one month since completing my Tri and I have not blogged about it. It has taken me one month to wrap my head around the fact that I actually did it.. I actually finished my first Olympic Distance Triathlon! It is over..4 months of training are over..and I can officially call myself a Triathlete.

With that said..this is also my letter of retirement. My days of being an Olympian are over :) I am sticking to sprints. I realized several things in the week leading up to the Tri. not the least of which is that I get way too worried and anxious and I do not like that feeling so.

To recap:

1) I missed drinking alcohol-I only stopped one week before..but I missed it. There I said it.
) My stomach can stay in knots for 3 straight days without ever calming down.
3) Taking 2 days off before the event is not enough. I felt busier in those two days with really nothing to do than had I been at work
4) Each new Text or Email wishing me good luck forced me to run to the restroom restroom (that was a shout-out to Monica)
5) I was unusually calm the night before the Tri and was calm right up until the start whistle for my wave to go in the lake.

..."Stroke, stroke, stroke--I was doing it and thank GOD for the guy running on the sidelines whose wife was the same speed as me..he truly is the only way that I knew that I was moving at all.

I swam and swam and swam..just keep going I thought..look up..are you close? Nope-not yet..keep going Stroke, Stroke, stroke..bang..What the? I looked up and I had swam right into the pillar of the bridge. YUCK..Panic Panic Panic..swim swim swim..CREEPY-swim.. OMG here is the half way buoy...made it..stroke, breathe, stroke, breathe-I can see it.. I can see the buoy for the turn in...Stroke, stroke, breathe, breathe, turn...here I come...

I heard my name announced as I ran towards my bike...WOW..1/3 down!

Here comes the bike:

I jumped on my bike-ran with it for a while and then jumped on..here I go! It was hard to get going at first-I was tired and wet and that combo usually does not do be right..but I made it up the first hill then the second..then around the Capital and then sped down at 20 MPH...then back around 4 times. David was at the bottom of the turnaround..Leslie and my TNT friends were at the bottom of the hill. "Way to go Jennifer" Leslie screamed.. It helped really !

Good job Babe David kept yelling and my mom too with her video camera capturing my Olympic debut...all of a sudden on my last loop, I came up to Missy. We rode together back .. she has another loop to go. She was tired, so was I. I wanted so badly to ride with her but man, I was just tired! So with all the motivation that I could muster...I sent her off on her last loop. My bike ride was over..

Here comes the run:

Now if anyone knows me at all, they know that running is my least favorite sport. I can ride 100 miles on my bike and now, I can swim 1 mile without stopping, but running..just is not my thing. And I knew it and accepted that before I ever signed up for this crazy event.

But God was on my side because in the transition was my friend Kelly, an ex co worker from the Dallas chapter who was just getting her shoes on. Kelly...run with me! We walked our and then challenged each other to keep going (She more than I) and I admit..when we saw someone taking a picture---we ran :) around the corner and then...we were done. We ran under the finish sign and it was over..our job was complete. We waited and watched as Missy ran in from her last lap. The entire team was there, supporting us until the end. I was glad that I did it, I was glad that it was over!

I did not "win" as some people asked..I finished, and to give you an idea of how long it took...check out the transition area. As we walked to get our bikes we realized that hardly anyone was left walking around, some tents were closed down..here is what we saw as we turned into transition to get our stuff..

Yep-3 lonely bikes left alone...can you see another bike ? Nope-neither could we. We started together, we ended together.

What can I say? What is there to say? I did it. I did something that most people will never even think to do much less actually do. I pushed myself physically, emotionally and mentally for almost 5 hours on one of the hottest days that Austin has seen. I had love and support and love..it was amazing. It was an accomplishment of a lifetime, an experience of a lifetime.

Thank you angels for keeping me safe! GO TEAM

It is not the destination but rather, the journey...

2008-05-19T11:11:00.001-07:00

I wish that I could be calm right now, but I am just not. This is it..the time has come. After months of literally training, stressing along with all consuming thoughts about triathlons...the time has come. I am ready... I hope.

My goal is to finish in under 4 hours..3:59.59 will also work. I have worked every conceivable grouping of times to make that 4 hours...swim in 35 minutes...3 for transition, bike 1 1/2 hours..run the rest...

But what if my swim is my worst leg and it takes me 45 minutes..okay then ... I have to cut down the time on the bike and run faster...any way that I slice it...the pie is the pie and it is big and long and tiring!

I have a talked to a lot of people who tell me that their goal is just to finish and of course, that is mine too. But, I have always been a goal person so have to set something and 4 hours should be plenty with the training that I have been doing to meet my goal.

We will leave early early Saturday morning to drive up to Austin and get in one more swim before the race..then, pick up our packets, get our pasta on at the pasta party and then..back to the room to de-compress, meditate, do visualization and anything else that I can think of to get myself ready. Talk it to death with David as he drifts into sleep without a care in the world..then get up and talk it some more.."Do you think that I will finish" "Of course you will" he will say " Do you think that I will finish in 4 hours " " Of course you will" he will say..." He is nothing if not supportive and has been through this entire crazy road of ups and down..

Today is my last day of work until after the Tri. That is right...I have chosen to take off TWO days in preparation for this endeavour. Two days to get my head in the game, do self visualization exercises and get in the zone..

So, for my final post before the Tri I will close with this.. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your kind words, thank you from the patients and families that we serve everyday who if they could, would thank you all themselves. But mostly and with all the love that I have, thank you for believing in me.

GO TEAM!

My 2006 A-Ha Moment

2008-05-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

I began working at LLS in 2006, two years after my Aunt died of Leukemia. Just like that, one day we got to the call. She was sick and had to go to the hospital. It took six weeks before the Cancer had spread. It was Acute, which meant fast and furious-and so our nightmare came true, at the end of those six weeks she had died. She was 54 and larger than life. I remember thousands of things about her, but what I remember most are the gifts that she would send me since she lived in New York and I lived in Texas. Always something that I loved, never anything that I would have gotten for myself and always written with the most beautiful penmanship-and always on a home made card. And of all the many gifts that she gave me, her course, curly hair (horrible in the Texas humidity) was one that I never knew that I would appreciate so much..read on…

So, LLS seemed like the perfect fit. The culture, the support. I had worked at several other charities in the past, but I knew when I started, I was here to stay.

Almost a year after my start date and after a successful but long Fall, I attended our annual leadership conference in Tennessee. I was excited to meet everyone and see what they were doing in their chapters to make their markets grow.

Halfway through the first day there was a panel discussion of volunteers. Some were executives and some were survivors and one couple, who I thought were married, was there too. The man’s name was Chad and he was a stocky man with thinning hair who sat beside a woman who I thought was his wife but soon found out was actually his sister. She was so moved and passionate about her brother’s treatment and recovery, she turned into one of the biggest fundraisers in the program. I was engaged and eager to learn more about his plight. The session ended a while later and so I quietly said goodbye in my head as the panelists walked out the door. Surely, I would never see them again.

The first day concluded, the day turned into the night and then the next morning I woke quickly out of sleep. I of course had overslept and now, had just 45 minutes to get ready, pack, check-out and then get downstairs for the next day’s meeting. As I scrambled to get my routine started, time got away from me and I started to regret having washed my hair. It always took way too long to fix and was very long and very curly and no quick fix ever sufficed. It simply took the time it took and that was it. As I scrambled to finish getting ready, I plugged in my hair straightener that saved my life so many times before, but this time was different-the little red light that blinked, indicating that it was working, was as black as night…It simply was not working.. I checked all the sockets around the room, surely this could not be happening, one socket must work. But not this time and I knew, it was not going to save me today.

Now in tears, I grabbed my curling iron and stared in the mirror trying the best I could to fix the long, very frizzy mess that stared back at me. I was really panicked now, my 45 minutes was now down to 15 and I was definitely, definitely going to be late.

But then suddenly, when I looked up again into the mirror again, it was not me staring back.. but Chad, the survivor from the day before! What was he doing looking back at me? And then, in a moment of clarity and calm, I realized what I had overlooked so blatantly the day before. Chad was not what we called a survivor (of course he would be-just not quite yet) , Chad was actually a patient, one of our honored heroes still going through treatment. And he was not heavyset, he was swollen, a result of the chemotherapy-and, his thinning hair was not a result of bad genetics, but again the chemo that was trying to save his life for him.

And as I looked harder into the mirror, I found myself staring back at me with my long frizzy, thick hair. And I realized, in that moment, that the hair that I had complained about so many hundreds of times before. The hair that usually made me late to events, and dates, and work…that hair, that cost me hundreds a year on hair products alone, that hair-I had never ever loved more. And I was thrilled to have it because like Chad, you never know when you won’t have it anymore.

Thanks to my precious Aunt for giving me my hair, thanks to whoever is working on my side to keep me healthy enough to make a difference and thank you Chad, for making someone who works everyday so hard at saving lives remember what really matters, the people in the middle of it all, our heroes.

And by the way, when I got back from my trip I plugged in the straightening iron at home, and it worked.

EAT - PRAY - LOVE

2008-04-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I like to read, love it actually. I am not the best reader but I love it anyway. I love biography's and autobiography's the most. I have always been a fan of documentarys which may explain it. I love any book or movie about anyone who overcomes anything. The harder the hardship the better. I do love a good beach read every so often (Bridget Jones Diary was great) but, I would rather read something that I know can and has actually happened.

A friend recommended Eat Pray Love to me so before I left California after a meeting, I bought it and began to read. That was in March and I just finished the book. Not because it was slow or boring but because for one of the first times, I took time to really read and understand and think about everything that she said. It took be so long to read because I did not want the book to end.

Elizabeth Gilbert (the author) spent one year in three different countries where she sought out something different from each. Italy, where she wanted to learn pure pleasure; India, where she wanted to learn about prayer and devotion and then Indonesia where she wanted to learn about love.

When people say that something changes their life, I always think..really? Your entire life huh? Well, I am not saying that about this book changed my life, but eye opening, definitely! So much in fact that this November, David and I will be taking a spiritual journey of our own when we attend a 10 day Vipassana Meditation course at a mediation sanctuary outside of Dallas. Ten days in silence, Ten hours a day meditating, Ten days not seeing each other, Ten days away from my dogs :( Ten days including Thanksgiving which for the first time, I will miss. Ten days that I really feel will, in fact, be life changing.

Why? That is the question that everyone has been asking and my answer..why not? If you know me you know that while my life can be a little mainstream (work 9-5, house with dogs, normal sleeping hours etc) you also know that my thoughts and what I want out of life are not mainstream, so that is the best answer that I have. Why go? because some of us would like to understand ourselves on a little bit of a deeper level than others care to know. Because after making the decision to not have children, I have decided instead to take every opportunity that comes my way, to embrace what I can out of life and live with no regrets. I hope that this starts out our path in that direction.

I recognize the difference in the people that I tell. Those with more of a traditional view on the world and life vs. those who have lived with more of an open attitude seem more understanding. Either way, it does not matter. I have always followed my own path. When confronted with a fork in the road, I have always tried to take the road less traveled and so far...it has led me on some incredible journeys. Glad to share them with you.

Get the book and read it!

Jennifer

The Little Engine that...Did !

2008-04-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT ... DID!

When I did my first sprint triathlon this past October (the Try Andy's Tri) I cried in every transition, balled actually. I had never even thought about doing a Tri until my friend and fellow cyclist Michelle asked me to do it with her and if you know me, I hardly even turn away a challenge. I was not prepared to say the least. I did not want to continue...bricklegs? What legs? I could not even walk much less run. I hated every minute of it. The swim, which I doggy paddled though was horrid. When the guys pulled me out at the end I am SURE that I was dead-weight, I cried in the transition. I cannot go on. "But Babe" (my supportive wonderful boyfriend David said ), "You are 1/3 of the way keep going" ! "Keep Going..HOW !"! The bike which should have been my best leg of the race was even hard for me and the run with a walk here and there was more like a shuffle. As I came up to the finish line after a somehow remotely descent 1:40 time..Lisa with TNT said "Are you going to do a TNT event now" I laughed.."Hell no I said NEVER"..

The next thing that I knew- I was getting donations for the Capital of Texas Olympic Distance Triathlon to benefit LLS. How in the world did that happen!? !!!

Lone Star Tri Sprint
This past Saturday morning before I got to the sprint tri I said to myself "If you cry again, if you hate this..you will get through CapTex and then, go back to long distance cycling. If it is that bad..do not torture yourself". I was terrified talking to the other TNT'ers on "The Plank" but when I jumped in I knew-I was just at the pool at Ballys on Wednesday night. It was a little darker, a little colder and a lot bigger-but I could do this. I knew how to do this. Before I knew it..I was passing the pyramid.. and talking to myself the whole time.."Woman ... you have this..you can do this!" ... I looked up again and was already turning by the Pattleboat. WHAT? ALREADY?.I had done it, and I had liked it!.."Hey David" I waved..."how ya like me now?"

The transition was easy and the ride although next time I will eat more..was good too. That was the beach where I used to go as a kid..hey I thought " I know you! " I could not believe how quickly it was over.. the half way turn already? GO TNT GO TEAM IN TRAINING..OMG were the cops shouting for me? They were! Awesome...Then the dreaded run was coming. STAY POSITIVE I thought...remember, have fun! I took the advice of a former TNT director that I had dinner with at a peer meeting a few weeks before and spun really easy for the last 1/4 mile and then got up on my peddles and stretched my legs out. I was in the no passing zone so am sure that the bikes behind me were aggravated...oh well I thought, gotta do what works for me!

When I got off my bike to dismount..nothing. No brick legs! Hey David I waved."it is just a walk in the park"! !!! I knew the 1 mile sign was there from seeing it the night before. I told myself just get to it and walk...I made it and kept running and although slow.. I ran all the way to the end by the road..then took a break. I ran to the rest station and stretched and took a break..I ran back to the grass...then walked and took a break..then I ran to the opening of the park..then took a break..then I ran in. " You are almost done everyone kept shouting" "Congratulations" the volunteers yelled. I ran past the TNT tent with tons of fantastic people waving..past the water where I had just stood shaking..OMG is this really it? There is David high fiving me, there is my coach...there are my teammates..there are my co-workers...I did this! I am done! I took a bow when I crossed the finish line and then looked up to the sky...thank you I said..I did this!

I work for LLS and I am training for CapTex for my Aunt Helene who died after 6 short weeks of finding out that she had Leukemia-for years she donated to my endeavors even donated to my first TNT event the 2001 Tour De Tucson for LLS. Who would have thought that she would die of the very disease that she was supporting. That year, I had no one to ride for, I did not know anyone who died from a blood cancer-who knew this would happen to my family? When I was running I looked up and said to her "You get me though this! You push me because I need you now..." And she really must have listened because, I finished!

I am not scared of CapTex anymore. I know that I can do this!

Thank you to my Aunt who watches over us all and keeps us safe and to your guardian "angels" if you have them who watch over me, and keep me safe.

To an experience of a lifetime!

GO TEAM

To Life!

2008-04-03T10:06:00.001-07:00

Lekhayim (sounds like La Hi-Em) means "To Life". It is a traditional toast that people of the Jewish faith use to wish the best for health and life to the person that they are toasting.

I love this toast and always use it when I am toasting someone or something. So, I thought that it was a great start to my first blog spot. This picture was taken a few weeks ago at David's birthday dinner. That is Sake and it was good!

While I am not super over the moon about organized religion, I am someone who truly respects every ones right to believe what they want. Whatever gets you through the night. You can usually hear me saying 'Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Holy Ghost, Buddha..whoever you are..help me now". I figure that just about covers everyone.

I have my own relationship with my God and it is both personal and important to me. I say my prayers every night and count my blessings constantly throughout the day. I am positive that I am blessed and am thankful for everything in my life. My job, my family, my friends, the material things that I do have that make me more comfortable, my pets, my boyfriend, my health. I feel thankful constantly. I am sure that I am blessed.

I am excited to share my adventures with you especially over the new few months as I prepare for my first Olympic Distance Triathlon! Someone asked me once "What defines you?" I could answer so quickly. What defines me? My work in non-profits, helping others, giving back and knowing that what I do outside my job is as important as what I get paid to do during the day. I put my money where my mouth is. This Tri is just one of many charity events that I have done over the past 8 years when I first fell in love with competing.

Follow my journey ... it is sure to be amusing!

Lekhayim!

Jennifer